being a slave isn't easy - original article published by HannahTheScribe
People often tell me that they envy my life as a slave, and a keyword that comes up to describe it a lot is simple. And they mean well, but the word simple makes me cringe a little. To me, it implies easy, and, for me, even as someone who is naturally inclined towards submission and service, being a slave isn’t easy. Slaving away means working hard for a reason. To me, slavery is a lot of things:
It’s dragging myself up from my blanket on the floor in the morning after being unleashed, shivering.
It’s falling off the side of the bed trying to get up after sex that was painful and only she got pleasure from, and I didn’t want to be used today. It’s having sex when I don’t want to have sex.
It’s dripping sweat from dirty work while she relaxes.
It’s practicing a new slave position in the mirror for an hour to make sure it’s right.
It’s a thousand trips up and down the stairs per day for chores.
It’s making a million small service decisions that she doesn’t want to be bothered with. Here’s a vision. Now make it real.
It’s lying on the floor near tears and trying to figure out how to get back up after being randomly beaten for the third time that day when I didn’t want it. It’s being hurt when I don’t want to be hurt.
It’s my legs going painfully numb from kneeling on the floor when I don’t get permission to change position.
It’s giving her a massage while my body aches.
It’s having limited energy to use on anything but her. It’s not being allowed to spend too much energy on anything but her, like having a job. It’s more than a full time job’s worth of work. And there’s plenty else I want to do.
It’s needing to figure out how to learn a new protocol perfectly and immediately, by myself. It’s the 24/7 mental demand of high protocol. It’s only speaking when spoken to; it’s all the speech restrictions to keep in mind.
It’s setting out to learn any service skill that might be useful.
It’s hours and hours and a lifetime of communicating, of adjusting my communication style, of making it work, of prioritizing the dynamic above all else.
It’s a complete lack of privacy. Not being allowed to lock doors. Sharing all my passwords. Being tracked via my phone. Not even being allowed to leave her presence without permission to be alone. Two daily inspections of my work and body. It’s not being allowed anything to myself.
It’s a complete lack of financial control.
It’s not having control over my digital life—rules for my friends list, not being allowed on most social media, needing permission to make a phone call. Limitations to work within.
It’s having no control over my body. Patiently waiting for permission to receive pleasure, use the bathroom, shower—accepting the possibility that further humiliation gets thrown in there—sticking to my specific uniform and not getting creative license.
It’s dealing with the occasional throwing things, aggressive driving, bad moods, hard days.
It’s not getting my way.
It’s never being entitled to warmup, cooldown, aftercare, or sobriety. Sometimes, it’s being told, “No aftercare,” before we start. It means no safeword, no limits, not ever being allowed to leave.
It’s always, always being on call, with no guarantee of Light Slave Duty or being allowed to go out. It’s constantly being ordered to do things, even while on Light Slave Duty.
It’s being expected to do it—anything—immediately, without complaint, without question, with a smile and no expectation of reward.
And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But is it easy? No. Few worthwhile things are, and I wouldn’t really want it to be, or it wouldn’t feel authentic. Slave is a heavy word. Not everyone could or should do a dynamic like this, and I think it’s damaging to pretend otherwise; it’s just not worthwhile for everyone.
I love being a slave. And I frequently talk about what I love about it. But it’s a disservice to pretend it’s always easy. If I’m going to write and teach about it, I think I should be honest, realistic, let people know what they’re really getting into if they’re chasing a dynamic similar to mine.
So: easy? No.
But, everything I dreamed of? Yes.
Comments
Post a Comment